The Big Snip 2

So, after you get snipped, they hand you a little plastic cup and tell you to come back in three months -- and fill the cup. If you know what I mean.

And the nurse said, "And make sure it's a fresh sample. Not parking-lot fresh, but fresh."

So three long months later, I'm working on filling the cup, playing Barry White, bigboobies.com on the computer .. and.. it kind of takes the fun out of it when you're aiming into a little cup.

I dropped off my little cup, how embarrassing is that? And they call me the next day. They found one rogue little swimmy! "Come back in a month."

d'oh!

So I wait another month, fill another little cup, and due to some scheduling mishap (on their part) the office is closed! Bastards!

I call them up, make a new appointment for a week later. Fill another cup (it's getting easier), drop that off. They call the next day.

"Um, your sample wasn't big enough."

What do I have to do??

OK, another appointment for the next week is made.

I'm on extrabigboobies.com, and I spend an hour, and of course kelli calls half way through, "What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"I thought yo'd be done by now."

"No, I'm going to fill the entire cup."

"Oh."

"But, while you're  on the phone, can you talk dirty? Tell me what you're wearing."

I filled that cup, dropped it off, and the next day, got the all clear.

What a pain in the balls!

and they're off...

Both monkeys in school for full days, oh thank god. I can finally sleep. Colin is kind of benign, though he does run down the hall when we're leaving. Drew though, I'm sure will be running the joint in about six-weeks

busy day

Drop off Colin at school, drop off Drew at camp, an hour nap, pick up Colin at school, take him to doctor appointment, get home in time to pick up Drew at camp, leave Drew with babysitter, take Colin to occupational therapy, have 45 minutes in waiting room to nod off and make faces at cute baby, back home, out again to pick up dinner.

Am anxiously waiting for the boys to get their own drivers licenses, I have about 11 years.

Worst business model ever

I was heading to my then-girlfriend's house, and dropped by a florist to get some flowers.

And the woman behind the counter said, "We don't have any."

Lessons from marriage

The first thing you learn when you're married is you've been emptying the dishwasher wrong for years. In fact, you've been emptying the dishwasher so wrong it's amazing you haven't accidentally killed yourself in  a dishwasher-related injury.

The incredible Journey

bells, whistles

The steering column of my Town & Country was making this ungodly whine last December. The mechanic said, we can put a band-aid on it now, but in a few months you're going to need $900 in repairs and it will take two days.

Ugh.

So, in the spring we got it done. The next month the engine light comes on, bing! Another $700. Kelli is saying, "That's it, next time something goes wrong, you're trading it in."

Though I never agree with her on anything, this time she was right.

So, last weekend, she piles Colin, Drew, Taylor and Noah, and her mom in the minivan to go the swim club, and the power steering is making the same noise as before.

Crap!

So she had to move everyone, and everything into her Rav-4, and the Town & Country sat outside for a few days until my day off when I could trade it in.

So I'm driving up the boulevard, the car making that ungodly whining, and I'm thinking, 'I hope this thing makes it!' I'm about 2/3rds on my way when, bing, the battery light pops on.

Shit! I thought for sure I'd be calling the dealer from the side of the road. Come and get my trade in.

But I somehow made it. And traded it in for a Journey. After all the paperwork is signed, the salesman is pulling up in the minivan next to the Journey so I can clean out the minivan one last time. And there's this look on his face as he's hearing the engine. And I said, "too bad, it's yours now! You're stuck with it."

Anyway, the Journey has been great, Kelli loves all the bells and whistles.

eieio

We went to the Farmers Market at Frankford and Ryan today. I want to support it, I have big hopes for it, but it seemed smaller than when we were there last time. In fairness, rain was in the forecast.

What really bothered me though was the honey guy. He had this small stall you had to step into to buy honey and not only did he stand in the way, blocking me from entering his stall, but he gave me the history of honey and its health benefits and he wouldn't shut up.

And keep in mind I had surgery on my balls only two days earlier and the doctor said, whatever you do, don't walk to the farmers market, but I did, and I was smarting!

I'm trying to ignore him the best I can and he's telling me how cranberry honey builds up immunity to allergies. I was rude enough to turn my back on him and look at the honey on the shelves, but not quite rude enough to say, "Shut up, I'm shopping."

He was the used car salesmen of honey.

The big snip

It's been a weekend of silliness. It started Friday morning when I was shaving my privates. Under duress.

I didn't mean to start this with shock value, it just happened. I was getting a vasectomy and they give you a list of things to do beforehand. I expected to show up, have the doctor and nurse look over me, start laughing and saying, "You shaved yourself? We were joking!"

The other thing they tell you to do afterward is to keep a package of frozen vegetables on your privates. It just gets sillier and sillier.

The procedure does hurt like a MF though, and that's exactly what I was screaming when they were jabbing my scrotum with needles.

It was surprisingly laid back except for the screaming. It was done in an exam room. One doctor, one nurse, casual chatting, and a tiny boom box on the counter playing the 60s-70s rock station.

So I've been walking around the house wearing a cup, because my boys love jumping on my privates anyway. I'm not in any pain though.

My mother-in-law was kind enough to stay the weekend and help with the boys. So as not to embarrass me, my wife told her I was having a colonoscopy.

And I'm not really sure how a colonoscopy is less embarrassing than a vasectomy.